The million-dollar question: What are the causes of the psychological effects of adoption? 

The adoption industry has told everyone adoption is better for children than being raised in their own family, if their mother is single at the time they are born.  Even today there is "Infant Adoption Awareness Training" to try to get more healthy newborn babies for adoption customers.   So it seems odd to say there are psychological effects to this "procedure".  What are the causes of these effects?

1) Child is separated from all of her family.  Often a baby has been separated from her mother at birth or soon after birth.  This separation from her mother causes a tremendous insecurity in the baby that lasts throughout her life.  The mother who was advised only that her child would be "better off" may be completely unaware that her child is hurting. 

2) Child is told the adopting people are her actual family.  The same lie appears on her falsified birth certificate.  There may be other lies on her falsified birth certificate - her place of birth and date of birth might also have been fraudulently altered.

3) Additional lies heaped on the original lie.  For example, one adoptee I know was told "If your mother wanted to know you she would have found you by now."   Imagine being raised by "loving" people who say cruel things to you like that!  (Luckily that girl's mom did manage to find her  while she was still in college.)

4) Spending your life thinking you were unwanted.

5) Finding out you WERE wanted and they all lied to you and made you think you weren't wanted.

6) Finding your mother and she has no concept of what it is like to be adopted ... she still believes the people who told her you'd be "better off".  She bows down and worships the adopting people, the ones who lied to you.

7) Your mother HAS figured out what it is like to be adopted and is devastated and heartbroken.  But she does give you some really great hugs.

You find your father and he doesn't want his wife to know about you.  How REDICULOUS is that?  Does his wife really not know her husband had sex before dating her? 

9) You always wanted a brother and now you discover you had one all along, but he was hidden from you.   Now you know each other, but he really believes the lie that you are not related to him.  So he ignores you. 

I hope this little "causes and effects" diatribe on adoption has helped some pregnant mom or dad wake up...and figure out NOT to listen to the "experts" who tell you to abandon your child so infertile people can use her. 

I also hope some mom or dad will wake up and decide to find their baby and give her a hug. 

Psychological impacts of adoption.

 

I have yet to see you post anything that offers an alternative to adoption for children who cannot be parented by their birth parents.

No matter the support available, some people will always choose drugs, a dangerous lifestyle or dangerous partner over their children. It happens every day. There will always be young women who know they are not ready to parent and want to place their child.

I adopted a child from foster care who was abused and neglected. People are in prison over this and the bio parents signed termination papers (one signed mostly to protect themselves from prosecution we think). She knows she has more family than just us. We've opened the adoption as much as is healthy and safe for her. She does have half siblings, she has photos of them up, just saw one of them for a play date and wrote a letter to another one.

She has a great therapist that helped her work through/with her abuse and adoption issues. The therapist has a background in open adoption and has helped us open the adoption up in a safe way for our daughter.

Her birth family and our family are tied together through her and we respect the need for their present in her life. Even in the most difficult situations, we treat with respect and dignity.

I refuse to believe that I'm doing something wrong by giving this child a loving home. Adoption can work and can benefit children if the adults involved put the child's needs first and foremost.

FWIW, my child calls her birthmom "mom" and that is fine with me. She still sends her mother's day cards.

I found people to help me find my child's birthdad and finally got his family to contact us. I wanted my child to know who he was. He wasn't told he was her father for many years and wasn't able to parent when he found out he was. She know has a photo of him, info about him and his other children.

We know her medical history and ethnic heritage and honor those.

She knows that she was wanted and her birth family tells her that all the time through their actions to remain in contact.

However, we don't lie about the situation of her birth. We talk about "resources" in life and how you have to have them to parent, be it tangible resources like money, housing or intangibles like maturity and knowledge. And how the world can be harsh at times in metting out those resources. Her birth mother was very young and looked for love in many of the wrong places. It took many DNA tests and years to track down the father, which put her in the position of having to parent without that support. Her family didn't have a lot of resources and she made a bad choice in marrying someone who ended up doing a lot of harm.

Our daughter knows most of that, except the part about the number of DNA tests. She understands why she was placed. She has a great therapist that knows adoptive children can hid their feelings of sadness. They have worked so much on emotions and dealing with them.

I'm not trying to take over your site and honestly, I too have problems with adoption when based on financial issues. I agree with most of what I see in Adoption Bill of Rights. I would like to see more support and resources for young women. Women should not be coerced into placing a child at all. I do think reform would help.

But I also wish you would acknowledge that some adoptive parents are doing things well.